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how schizophrenic [Jan. 17th, 2008|10:37 pm]
[Current Music |In this world--Moby]

Should you think you cannot express it outwardly
with an unassuming poise of confidence and conviction,
translate it onto writing, so that your
inner-most recesses may be tapped upon.

Therein lies the unencumbered existence,
otherwise plagued by emotional suppression
and the constant obligation to meet the call.
What then determines one's nature-
the manifested act or the thoughts?
Schizophrenia gradually gnawing away your soul?

let's get me-self december-oriented [Dec. 13th, 2007|12:34 am]
[Current Mood |hehehe]
[Current Music |My love-justin timberlake]

As part of my December ‘feel-the-mood’ immersion which I’d mentioned in my earlier post, I have endeavoured to jet myself out of Singapore during this period. I figured that it didn’t matter where I went, or what I did. As the famed Dr. L once said, “I suffer from island fever, so I need to get out of this place whenever I can.” Ok, I’m not quoting him verbatim, but the term ‘island fever’ is essentially his—whether or not he snitched it from someone else, I don’t know, but it succinctly captures whatever I’m saying now.

I digress.

I just had to go somewhere, to know that this is the holiday season afterall. December wouldn’t be the way it has been for me unless I head off somewhere. So...it’s Cambodia for me this year-end! The most unlikely of places, yes, but I thought it would be nice to trudge through the rustic lures of Siem Reap and the chatty markets of Phnom Penh. My only fear is that it’ll rain when I am there—the weather we have been experiencing in Singapore of late isn’t the most encouraging.

One more week to go!
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December [Dec. 11th, 2007|12:03 pm]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

December has always been a month of enjoyment, relaxation and travel! As much as I sometimes find it hard to feel the mood of the holiday season (for various reasons such as having to work, having not enough money to spend, woes of existentialism haha etc.), I do make it a point to convince myself that there are things worth happy about. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, or bask in your own folly—someone rather witty once told me, and I have not forgotten that till this day. Henceforth, I’d resolved to ensuring that this task of ‘feeling the mood’ is congenial in the context of Christmas, my sister’s and my birthdays and new year! Yay.

So what have I laid out for my holiday season immersion this year? For one, I was glad my sister hauled our Christmas tree out and decorated it herself (which means that either my mum or I will have to take it down when the fun is all over, damn damn), but amidst all that glitter and presents lies the perfect mood for Oh Come All Ye Faithful and Silver Bells. Add to that the drowsy weather of soft rain drizzling down on the street out there and voila! You get Christmas in Boston city. The whole induction process is never complete until you have made a trip to Orchard Road, sans the crazy mob of sweaty heads and sticky arms (eeew), admiring the light-up and the sudden generous spirit of giving infused in us. Not forgetting a sumptuous christmas eve dinner filled with log cakes, turkey, booze, music and the sleazy-related. haha

* crosses finger…I’m trying not to think of how the physical years are zipping by while I bemoan my apparent stagnation at this point…shan’t be daunted *

You see, the thing about December is that as much as it reminds you of how beautiful the year has been, and how appreciative you should be of the wonders of Christmas and love and family and friends and the myriad of blessings your life has been bestowed upon with, it also callously jolts you into a startling realisation that there exists the solemn and lugubrious end to this balance. For you cannot marvel at wonder without the slightest inkling of dejection; no idea of goodness unless exposed to evil. Well, not that I am down in the pits at this moment, but perhaps being attuned to the other side of the equation makes us all the more determined to be happy and to enjoy the spirit for as long as it lasts?

We all go through life looking forward to something, having a goal that we hope we can achieve in years to come. But what comes after that? Devise a new goal to push us ahead again? Such an impetus towards fulfilling that insatiable appetite for contentment appears to be a self-employed tactic to keep ourselves going. The fear of stagnation; that little flinch upon a perceived finality—we want to avoid that. Should we just settle for the grace of the moment? Sometimes, I feel like I think too far ahead, consumed by my visions of the future that the magic of now is clouded. It’s no coincidental irony that some say they spend their entire lives chasing something which they would only enjoy when they were younger.

As I ponder over Christmas, a brighter and even more charming future beckons. Perhaps I should take stock of my life once again, being thankful for my family, friends, love, education and youth. Only then, in the future, can we muse in retrospect of our earlier lives having been well-spent.
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Hello, do you have big ears?? [Nov. 29th, 2007|09:45 am]
[Current Mood |intrigued!]
[Current Music |Give me one reason-Tracy Chapman]

Yes, I am sneaking around in the office right now, when I should be working on this particular *bleep* project. Having gone back for reservist for more than a week, followed by a day's leave, I haven't actually resumed working mode as yet. Haha. On a whole new level, I had an interesting conversation with my parents last night regarding lineage--I think I've become a little more interested in my heritage after Aileen Toohey's Anthropology class (she's the classic anthropologist who has spent more time in the jungle than in the classroom--I mean, she didn't even know how to operate an OHP! The best thing was when she attempted to flash a piece of paper on the projector, hoping that it would be reflected on the screen, muahaha).

So...here's the interesting bit: According to my dad, my paternal grandmother's grandmother was not the typical kind of Chinese from China (whatever that meant). She was a "big-eared" Chinese--it sounds totally crude and ridiculous when translated into English but kinda cool in Teochew honestly. Now, whatever does that mean? I have no idea, and I have tried googling to find out more but the list of results returned were the likes of "why do old men have big ears?" blah blah blah. Anyway, when I first heard the term "big-eared chinese" the first thing that came to my mind was god, am I part Mongolian?? That's definitely news in my otherwise mundane life. I guess I have often associated the exoticness of the human race with those located within the plains of Central Asia, so in a rather twisted kind of manner, I was a little glad that I might be 1/16, or 6.25% "big-eared Chinese" aka. "Mongolian"?? How delightful to be able to write "Hi I have some Mongolian blood in me" under the section "About Me" in facebook! haha. I definitely need to do more research on that--perhaps talking to my grandmother will be the first step, heh.

Anyone knows any "chinese" with big ears whom I can talk to? LOL
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écoutez-vous? [Oct. 2nd, 2007|09:21 pm]
How dichotomous can a person's temperament be?
One moment passionate, the next dissociated.
A thousand and one reasons you claimed;
worries of life, obligations to society,
fatigue from this silly race, and even
the need for just that little space.

The eye of the foolish peers within
in search of elucidation and meaning,
only to find confusion and heaviness.
Are your whispers misspoken, or
simply misunderstood?
Passivity as jadedness, or
sustained comfort?

Parochial views you hold
of the thoughts and actions of the other.
Nothing seems to match up to
those condescending ideals
of courage and worldliness.
Yet deep-seated within all
lies your grace and fervour.
Making sense of it all,
I wonder:
just how much does one owe
the person one loves?

how our 'UP THERE' thinks [Sep. 9th, 2007|05:22 pm]
[Current Location |...]
[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]
[Current Music |Lauryn Hill!]

It all boils down to the apparent marginalisation and blatant disconcern with the mediocre in our society (of course, I'm included for I wouldn't be ranting otherwise). For it is in fact a useful tool in keeping us. I'm not saying it's a devious ploy on the part of the system or the govt to entrap us, but that's the sad story of our somewhat enclosed and opportnity-lacking society. You may say that this happens to many people around the world who are laden with financial woes for college education, but the proportion of their people in relation to the spatial and career opportunities supersede what we have here. What ensues is a silly struggle among our own people (and with ourselves as individuals too) to break out of this downward spiral of social incarceration, or perhaps even to survive in it in the first place. As such, whatever grandiose plans you may have about holidays or living overseas become quixotic plans subjected to social ridicule, plans that are merely figments of your own imagination. So....if only my family were rich...if only I were smart enough to be free from such fiscal and educational-certificate related bondage...I wouldn't be feeling the imminent possibility of being stuck here with woes of varied natures. Let's celebrate mediocrity, for that's what makes (most)pple in Singapore STAY. I'm not sore; I'm just appalled at this vicious entrapment and I wish I had realised it earlier.

How can I turn the tables around?
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The inner-most vulnerabilities of incognito [Sep. 6th, 2007|10:50 am]
[Current Location |gone with the wind]
[Current Mood |blahblah]

When the wind blows,
The insurgence follows
What comes, goes
To those in the know.

The enigma of life is what strikes most
Often seized by the moment,
swept away by passion,
befuddled at human nature

The self in the scheme of life
Provokes, evokes, and revokes
What is left for one to follow
but that of mistaken sorrow.

zipping back into time [Sep. 5th, 2007|05:36 pm]
[Current Location |at work]
[Current Mood |blahblah]
[Current Music |might tell you tonight--scissor sisters]

An sms from Milt reminded me that I hadn’t updated anything on my recent trip since my return. And since I need a break from work now (boredom and lethargy and all) and from all that wondering of whether I’d made the right decision in working here blah blah blah, perhaps I should fill some people in with regards to this *pretty* wild trip, haha. Puts my thoughts in perspective too I guess, heh. I was seriously dreading going back to work the next day, not to mention fighting a losing battle with the zzzz-monster the entire week upon my return. I’m always falling asleep at work…whether it’s at my desk, in meetings, in class etc…(regardless of the amt of sleep I’ve had the previous night). This is very very bad…so I keep myself awake by popping fisherman’s friend pills into my mouth (which explains my untimely bouts of diarrhoea at times) or binging on chocolates and snacks. AND I haven’t been exercising…what’s gonna happen to me when I go back for reservist next month, and the following month???? Nothing much to look forward to for the next few months...what a gloomy forecast.

In any case, Europe doesn’t disappoint again!!!! Woohoo, with the exception of ugly chewing gum stains on the ground in both cities and London’s horribly bleak atmosphere all thanks to its constant showers, damn.

*************time lapse*******

Ok my colleague interrupted me while I was typing this and now it's almost time to go home and I have lost all inspiration to carry on writing....so I shall continue another time. Till then, haha
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life's a vision, or so i think [Aug. 9th, 2007|05:56 pm]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul
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hello i'm back [Aug. 6th, 2007|09:05 am]
[Current Location |in my little haven of a work cubicle]
[Current Mood |ditzyditzy]
[Current Music |Freedom 90--George Michael]

"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.”

-Elizabeth Taylor

May I add how true this is at times?...Seemingly self-righteous people who have effectively displaced my hope and trust in the goodness of mankind at times, resulting in my doubting those who are genuinely good and driven by the will to be good. May god grant me the ability to discern...
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